Thursday, March 31, 2011

Changes

I keep meaning to write about my new journey. This will hopefully remind me to do so but I think that I also need to find out who I am now with all of these changes in my life. I was a full time daughter, friend, co-worker, sister. Now I'm far removed from those daily roles. Now I am a daughter and sister via letters in the post, thoughts at bedtime and weekly video chat. I am no longer a co-worker. I no longer share the same weekly classroom for dance and yoga classes with strangers whose faces were my friends.

I am no longer on ground where any face I see will have a history attached to it. All of my exes, all of my friends, all of those who could be familiar are now removed and in their place are faces I've never looked into before. Nor do they bear any recognition of me. I am somewhat of a phantom...an apparition. I float past the eyes of strangers who may register me for a moment, realise they don't know me and I float back out of their consciousness again.

Changes.

Here in this new environment I am changing all of those things that I didn't like about myself from my youth. Where once I would have been silent, I speak. Where once I would have cast my eyes downward, I look up. Where I would never have before accepted help, I am learning to accept outstretched hands offering assistance. So...who am I now?

I've been musing over this. There are so many features that make up a person. At it's most surface level I am a 26 year old who struggles with the number of her age with the stage of life she's put herself into because it's unconventional. I also switch the the third person reference for poetic effect. Damn you Grammar Classes.

I like reading FBI, CIA thrillers. I like mystery novels. I enjoy listening to Indie music groups as well as Top 40 Top Charts. I like jazz and classical and opera. I enjoy the theatre. I like dancing - in clubs, at a formal ball, in a dance class, in my room. I love to shower. I shower more often when I'm stressed. I value my mind over my body. I write poetry when I can. I'm an avid fan of the shows Frasier and West Wing. But I also take pleasure in watching Glee. I enjoy the simple things in life - seeing ducks waddle on the sidewalk, a shooting star in the night, raindrops on my cheeks. A melody that I love getting stuck in my head.

A student again - I'm starting at the beginning to set a proper foundation for the future that I want to have. I gave up possessions in favour of life experiences. But with that has come a price to pay and it's in the form of evaluating my life. And it has left me melancholoy sometimes. Every single person I know back where I used to live (it isn't my home) has said that they are so envious of my ability to have done what I've done. They dream and live a little through me. And I can't help but think -
Why was I the one who was able to get away? To not be trapped? How can I be this person? People who knew me when I was young - I was such a shy little thing. If you'd told them I would be moving to another country all alone to live and pursue higher dreams that were tucked away in her heart - They probably wouldn't have believed you as I would have been clinging to my mothers dress, hidden behind her knee. I was labeled sweet, friendly and intelligent. Never beautiful. I was told maybe one day I'd be beautiful. That forever injures a person's self esteem. And if or when I attain beautiful - I will never identify with it. It's my inside self that I have spent so much time working on - whatever happens on the outside is irrelevant. I dislike it when men whistle at me as I pass. I am intelligent and capable, educated and funny. But they don't know that about me. I don't how to reconcile with that either.

Changes. I've never been good with change...

I don't know who I am I guess. I will give this another try later in the week. Until I can find out the answer. Writing helps me. In the meantime, I will enjoy the sunshine in Manchester. A nice break from the raindrops that fall on my eyelashes...

1 comment:

  1. Say "YES!" and learn to change! Such a great adventure!

    ReplyDelete