Life is strange. It's beautiful but it's frightening. It's so easy sometimes and yet so difficult. It's psychological and biological but doesn't make any logical sense whatsoever. I have wonderful new friends. It's a bit wearisome sometimes making new friends. Trying to remember which bits about yourself they do know, which parts they don't. Telling stories you've told a million times over to others again to these new comers to your life so that they may know something about you. Constantly having to explain why you're a 26 year old undergraduate to every single person who asks because "it's just not how it's done over here." Aching a little from losing the relationships you formed in an online community because you withdrew into the physical world.
I could write volumes about what my new friends don't know about me. But they like me anyway. So, really, what are relationships? If it's not about knowing my past and I have no idea what lies ahead in my future...are they really just about the here and now? So that begs the question: Who am I now? Now, in this moment in my relationship with these people, who am I and who are they? Because we're headed into the future together.
I desperately need a moment to just be. I need a long, deep conversation with someone that isn't about today or what I did but is about intangibles and nonrealities. Is about all the bull that doesn't matter but really does matter like what's the meaning of it all, what's the purpose, who are we?
I need to not have to write volumes about what my friends don't know about me. I just want them to know me. But then you could always ask, "Why? Why do you want them to know you?" I always end up going away. We all do. We all end up going away. And in the end maybe that's why no one knows me. But if they wanted to, I'd let them in anyway.
Lovely.
ReplyDelete(and you're back?)
So are you back? This post is a bit depressing, but I'm having a semi-awful week. I could write volumes about how much people don't know about me, it's kind of ironic because people have a tendency to tell me their secrets and I rarely reciprocate and they keep telling me even more. Weird.
ReplyDeleteHi Wild Celtic. Its nice to see a post from you. You don't have to publish this comment but I just wanted to say Hi. :)
ReplyDeleteHi guys. I'm back but probably not full time like before....before I had hours of free time through my work. But I do miss being able to share my thoughts with people that actually know and care about me-so, yeah, I'm back. And it means a lot to me that you're here. x
ReplyDeleteWelcome back...we all need a break at times.
ReplyDeleteI think it's very difficult for people to go to new countries. Sure, one aspect is the dream experience and new friend; but the flip side is you feel 'an outsider' - your voice is different, your age is different, your motivations are different, people's prejudices are different (i.e. the age prejudice)
ReplyDeleteIt's got me thinking, imagine you were from a country where English isn't your first, second, or fourth language. People have that experience all the time. We just leave them out to dry on the 'outside,' how painful.
That was a tangeant.
I know what you mean about wanting to discuss the nonsense, the dreaming, the stuff that's out there in the sky, but everyone else is talking about xboxes and textbooks and wallpaper and discount codes and USB drives and blogs; and you just want to breath in the cold night air and talk about what it would be like to be a monkey in a war-zone.
But you have that choice. You can start that conversation. It's out there, if only you start it.